tl;dr: A profanity-laced beginner's guide to self-teaching botany, arguing that Latin binomial nomenclature and evolutionary taxonomy (systematics) are essential foundations because common names are ambiguous and understanding synapomorphies lets you identify unfamiliar plants by their family traits. The author recommends starting with Simpson's *Plant Systematics* and Raven's *Biology of Plants*, plus a long list of supplementary texts, and endorses libgen/sci-hub for those who can't afford textbooks.